I Though I Was Over Him
It’s been a year and some months and I genuinely thought I was over him but what does that even mean when you secretly yearn for someone from the past and hope to God they would look your way.
That was my story a few years back and my name is Bimpe.
When I met Ugo some few years back, it wasn’t exactly love at first sight but we were familiar with each other and within the next couple of weeks we hit it off really fast and we were as thick as thieves.
Ugo was everything I wanted in a man…okay maybe not everything but he made me happy.
He was expressive with his feelings, he would pick me up from work and we would go on dates that were just heavenly and more importantly he would share his dreams with me. Ugo was a dream, a dream I didn’t want to wake up from but all that began to change gradually and as someone who is quite sensitive I noticed it immediately and I brought up my concerns to him, of which he allayed my fears.
What did they tell you about love?
Love will break your heart and at the same time heal you.
Love with Ugo was sweet but it was also triggering, it triggered fears and insecurities I didn’t even know I had and I can tell you now that I think I developed PTSD from the whole experience. I know you think I’m joking but I’m not…
Anyway, let’s get back to the story.
The truth was somehow I was willing and ready to put up with all the shit Ugo was throwing at me and just to set the story straight he didn’t cheat at me… I think along the line Ugo saw my willingness to put up with his shit, so he manned up and asked for a breakup, his reason was that although he could be the man I needed him to be, Old habits die hard so it might be quite difficult.
My God! I was devastated.
I cried buckets! My heart was shattered into a million pieces.
I don’t even know why I loved him and I think that’s what some people call love the fact that you just love a person just because… It took me a while but I got better, I tried to hate him but I couldn’t so I just lived my life.
One lonely day after a year and some months I decided to chat up Ugo, I knew I was over him but I just needed someone to banter with and let’s face it, Ugo is good with banters… the chats led to calls and we spent over an hour on the phone.And before we could say Jack, we started talking about us and why we broke up and that’s when I knew I wasn’t over this man.
What was I even thinking I told myself, nothing good can genuinely come out of this… for starters I was glad we weren’t seeing each other face to face even as we spoke even though I wanted him to leave everything and come running to me…
Yes! I’m a romantic in-case you haven’t figured it out by now.
The conversation eventually ended but with a conscious promise to myself not to get that close to what almost broke me.
The truth is I’m still figuring out this love thing, I want to love and be loved back in return but I’m also scared shit-less of the outcome but that does not mean I’m not ready to try again.
It will be Valentine’s day in some couple of days and I’m getting triggered again… Everyone will be celebrating their lovers and having a good time but I just want to remind myself that it’s okay to still be among those who’re trying to figure out this love thing, who’re not yet completely over their ex and who’re ready to try again when the right person comes along.
Till then, I’m going to continue living my life intentionally, pursuing after my goals, loving up on myself and living the baby girl life while I trust that God will make everything beautiful in his time.